Perfection Isn't Perfect

A few years ago, I was catching up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while. She’s a successful entrepreneur many times over, reinventing herself every few years or so. I have a great deal of respect for her, and her opinion means a lot to me. She mentioned my (now retired) Sunday Night Live broadcast, Thrive In Change. “You’re so much better now than when you started,” she said. Instead of receiving it like the compliment she intended it to be, my first thought was to leave immediately and delete the first 20 episodes so they would never be seen again. I am a perfectionist.

 If you are a perfectionist, too – welcome! If you love where you’re at, if you’re accomplishing all your goals, if you’re changing the world in the way you’ve always dreamed, if your life-satisfaction is off the charts: this is an excellent time to go keep doing that. This one isn’t for you. We’ll see you next time ;)

But maybe, like me, you feel the strain sometimes. You have goals, but you’re no closer to reaching them than we were six months, or six years, ago. You see a way to make things better, but you’re afraid to step out and try it – what if you mess it up? You see a different way to view the world, but you don’t speak up – what if you say the wrong thing? The tension between the value you want to add to the people around us, and your desire to do it with no mistakes is mounting. The pressure of being a perfectionist is taking a toll.

 Change – doing something new – is often difficult for perfectionists. After all, we worked really hard to get where we are now. We’ve worked the bugs out, and it feels like a major step backwards to give that security up. Here are some things I’ve learned that have helped me deal, when my desire to be perfect interferes with my desire to change. They may help you as well.

I’ll never get better in my head. We learn best by taking action and evaluating the result. No action = no result = no improvement. If I really want to be good at something, whether it’s starting a company, or public speaking, or Facebook live videos…I have to do the thing to get good at the thing. The quicker I start, the quicker I get good.

 What I do today can help someone today. The people I serve need what I have to offer them. When it can add value to people, it’s time to share it with people. If my ego is the thing holding it back, I’m hiding behind my perfectionism. Which leads us to the next thing – the most important thing.

 People want real, not really perfect. Striving for excellence is a worthy pursuit. But we are fooling ourselves if we think the biggest value we add to the people around us is that we are flawless.

 I once shared an office with a woman who was a lot like me. We both were juggling careers and families and homes and budgets, and it wasn’t always easy for either of us, but I wanted it to look easy for me. I wanted to look like I had it all together – like I knew what I was doing. I wore expensive suits to work. I talked about all of the wonderful things my husband and I did together. I was full of advice about how to raise well-behaved children.

 And then, one day, she just blew up. She told me how she felt: she was sick of my perfect suits. She was sick of all of my advice about how to raise perfect children. She was sick of always feeling like she didn’t measure up. “Just shut up,” she told me. I was stunned.

Here’s what she didn’t know: My suits came from the charity thrift shop. My husband and I had an argument before I left for work that day. My kids left their toys all over the house, threw tantrums in the grocery store, and all of the advice I gave was stuff I heard on the radio or read – I hadn’t actually lived it. I was only telling her half a story – the half I thought made me look good.

I hadn’t done it on purpose, but my misguided efforts to appear perfect had created a wall.  When I started being real – when I shared with her the reality of my life, shared my struggles, talked about the solutions that I’d actually tried, was honest about the things that failed – I built a bridge. We became a team. We worked together for over 20 years, helping each other succeed at work and in life, long after we stopped sharing an office.

No matter what change we’re going through, the change we chose or the change that was thrust upon us, we will navigate it better if we set aside our desire to be perfect. The people around us can learn a lot from our journey, when we share it authentically. Our transparency empowers them to try something new themselves – they see that significance is not just for the perfect.  Where could you give yourself permission to be less than perfect? What changes for the people you serve when you do? What changes for you? Working with a coach helps me take action when my perfectionism gets in the way - where do you find your support?